Mr. Mr update

In the first few years of his life, I spent a lot of time blogging about Mr. Mr. I was a stay at home mom and trying to manage the complexities of life with a child with special needs. Being on line, saved me in some many ways. When people question the integrity of relationships built on line, I can only use the examples of so many of my closest friends whom I met via on line during this time. Blogging and chatting virtually saved me from going into a deep dark depression.


Life has moved on, and we have settled into a routine with Mr. Mr, and I returned back to work.


Days are still challenging... as a family we struggle to include him but also give attention to his siblings who are often set aside due to his constant care. Our own needs are set aside. Simple tasks like going grocery shopping are exhausting and there is no putting him in the child care at the Y while mommy runs on the treadmill.


Recently we have been on a roller coaster of sorts.... although Mr. Mr. is a very involved child, (non-ambulatory, non-verbal and a pureed diet)  for the most part he is healthy. He has never needed medication and is usually in a happy mood as long as his belly is full and pants are clean. But the last two weeks we have been experiencing him having seizures. At first I didn't believe that was what was happening, but as the week progressed the activity became more and more obvious. He was having these "episodes" 6 - 10 times a day. The validation for me was when his school also confirmed that they were seeing the same thing.




Today we went for an EEG...he hated it. He hates his head touched, he hates laying on his back and most importantly he hates me in his face holding down his arms. The technician said to sleep deprive him.... yeah right! This kid is the king of cat naps and never sleeps longer than 4 hours at a clip to begin with.  We managed to make it through with minimal melt downs for both of us!


the neurologist snuck us in after and confirmed that what we were seeing were in fact seizures. He acted like this was just another thing, prescribed some meds and sent us on our way. I realize that for him this is common... children with special needs often develop a seizure disorder. What was most upsetting for me are the side affects of the med which can cause anger. I can't have my little man pissed off all the time!  What I find solace in is that even though his life is limited in his reality life is great, silly noises are hilarious and bright lights are pretty cool to check out. If he becomes grumpy, angry or just irate that will be a hard pill to swallow!


so we will wait... wait to see if the seizures stop or slow down... wait to see if he has any behavior changes and wait.......


if my children are my lessons in life this kid is teaching me plenty!! 

What's in a name?

If you got to choose your name what would you pick?




I've been thinking a lot about my name lately. Not just my first name but all of it. Its no secret I've been married twice and hence I feel that I have never really felt ownership of my last name either. There hasn't been any real connection to the names I've had.


My maiden name was only mine for a short 23 years. Throughout school I hated it because it put me at the end of the alphabet. As well as having to spell it out loud and explain that there was no "F" in it anywhere.


When getting married for the first time, I only knew that a women was expected to take on her new husbands name. There was no conversation 'if" I would take it. It was just assumed. It was a nice name, had a nice ring but honestly there wasn't much else about it except being at the front of the alphabet and thinking my children would appreciate that.


There was a short time between my official divorce and my second marriage. At that point, I knew I didn't want to keep my first husband's name and it seemed silly to revert to my maiden name. So the natural course was to take on his name as well.


Shortly after however, I begun my college studies and found my way to the Gender Studies department. There I had intense conversations about all names, and what they meant and who gave them to us and for what purpose. I met women and men alike, who strongly identified with their name and who were passionate about explaining why. For me, I had no real story to tell for any of it. No real conviction either way.


And here I am, contemplating keeping my name or changing it. But what would I change it to? Its been just as long that I haven't had my maiden name as when I had it. What could I come up with as an entirely new name that wouldn't sound pretentious or in fact made up? I think about some strong connection that I have with my family names. My offspring have all been given their father's names so there isn't concern about passing something down. So whatever I pick can be just for me. Just for my happiness and connection.


I think of a good friend who has been slowly changing her name to something she feels more connected to. Its been part of her story, part of her legacy. I want something to explain to my children and mostly my daughter, that makes sense, that can become my story. Its my story of evolving into the woman that I am today because of these experiences, because of these names.

Lessons for 2014

As the new year began, I took on the task of posting a picture of myself for all 365 days of 2014 in an effort to show off my fully human, not always perfect feminist self. They are all hash tagged #365feministselfie.









Its actually quite difficult, I've discovered a few things:

• my arms are not nearly long enough
• paying attention to what is in the back ground is important
• my children are pretty stinking cute, and take the pressure off of me.
• I have anonymous followers that I didn't know about (not sure if I like that or not) LOL
• I'm my toughest critic.

Its been really trying for me. At first I took pictures throughout the day of myself then would look through them at the end of the day and select the one I thought I looked best in.... then I digressed to taking several pictures at one time and finding the best shot.... to now at day 35 just taking a picture and posting it.   I wonder if on day 360 I'll even care if I've showered! 


I'm still not comfortable with the image that is staring back at me often, and it makes me think why. Where and who taught me not to love my own image? Why am I so critical... I look at my laugh lines and see age and not laughter, or my double chin and see obesity and not bountifulness of life. I look at my grey hairs and see stress and not maturity and value......


I believe that you get back from the universe what you put out there. I want depth, and love and light... and it must start from within.


I thought I would end my little experiement at the end of the month, but I'm not giving in to that critic and figure I have a lot to teach myself.

On children and dating......them not me!

At some point I have grown a teenager, not quite sure when that happened, or even why. I am not ready quite frankly.

Being divorced means for me, very little co-parenting. It means that we never had a discussion as to rules or ground work conversations when it comes to dating. Having my oldest be a boy, I thought I had some time. Last year however, to my dismay, my ex-husband allowed my son to start spending time on the weekends with his "girl-friend" at her house, properly supervised.

I wasn't thrilled.

To me, 14 is still to young to be dating, and allowing time on the weekends for them to spend time together seemed to be encouraging this behavior. But I don't get asked questions, or how I feel about things that go on at "dad's house".

So fast forward a year, and my son has a new "girl-friend" and he wanted her to spend time at my house with her. I reluctantly agreed, but felt that at least at my house I could be confident regarding the amount of supervision that would be going on.

We set up the date and time, and I made sure he was clear that they would NOT be hanging out in his room. He was not happy but I was clear that it was NOT appropriate for them to be hanging out in his room on his bed. I also made sure that all of his younger brothers and sister and would be home to help out as well.(insert evil grin here)

The day went well, youngest sister was well behaved and monopolized said girl friend's attention with puzzles and bracelet making as only a super cute 4 year old can do. And luckily there was no inappropriate touching or kissing as I had feared.

How do parents teach their children appropriate public intimacy without getting freaked out themselves?

I just hope that all that chaos and extra supervision curbs this as a routine.....

#365FeministSelfie

So my near and dear friend proposed this blogging challenge for me for 2014. The idea came from another fellow blogger ...this is how it works in the virtual world I am learning...

The idea is simple, post 365 selfie pictures that are what a "feminist looks like". Yes, folks, that would be me...

I'm not 100% comfortable with the idea of selfie pics, I'm not very happy with my appearance these days, my hair is growing out, I'm 15pounds over my ideal weight, I'm seeing aging lines on my face... but then I thought, this is exactly the point! 

We as a society are obsessed with the "ideal" image of a woman. So obsessed that it turns inward and we find ourselves critiquing everything about what we look like and it in turns changes how we feel about ourselves.

This may be just what I need.

To learn to love who I am... every day.
To expose that women over 35,a size 10, and a mother of 4 should be paid attention to.
To be silly,
To be serious
To be thoughtful.
Because this is what a feminist looks like.... at least this one anyways.

Welcome 2014

2013 has passed and I can't say I'm terribly sad about it. Not my worst year ever but certainly a challenging one. I remind myself that there are lessons from the universe hidden within these challenges. I do feel myself much more grounded at the end of this year then where I started it, so that's a good thing. I've recently moved into a new space which feels more comfortable, and in just a few days I begin a new position at my job. In 2013 I kept saying "something has got to give" - here's to hoping it's the New Year! 

What is courage?

Its time to get rid of the cobwebs.... my last grad school class was expressive arts. I have never considered myself an artist, i think of myself as creative but not artistic. This class reminded me that art is what you make of it.  One of the main project that we worked on through the class was a visual journal. This was a journal that could be made up of anything I wanted. What i found was a great place to reflect and process my work. Here is one of the pieces:


In honor of Domestic Violence month:
 We were asked : What is courage?

Courage is the broken eye socket,
the split lower lip.
Courage is the bent finger
the burn marks on her forarem.
Courage is the bite marks on her shoulder,
the boot print on her back.
Courage is getting up.
Courage is telling her story.
Courage is living.