Once you know.... you can't "un-know"

Often i get caught up in the stress of having children, paying bills and trying to live a decent life. I can feel stressed and bad that i don't have the money to do everything that i want to do or have everything i want. Sure my living room set is second hand, and i drive a 2000 Ford Focus. While i work hard, sometimes it feels like its never getting any easier.

While arriving at my local grocery store i spotted a young woman with two very small children holding a sign that read, NO JOB, NO FOOD and NO MONEY, PLEASE HELP.  When i looked at the young woman's face i saw shame and exhaustion.  When i entered the grocery store i got inspired and planned on buying a few items that she may use, diapers, wipes, some fruit for the little girl etc. But then my thoughts crept in.  Not of debating about helping her, i wouldn't questions her motives or victim blame, but thoughts about my presumptions to think i know what she needs. 

By isle 5 I told myself i did not want to insult her and would give her a few dollars... by isle 7 i was thinking that if i gave her money that there would be no guarantee that she would get to keep it or use if for her children. The likelihood of a man waiting for her to return to give up her "bounty" was very high. By Isle 13 i was just hoping she would be gone when i was done so that it would not be something i had to look at and face.

After paying and bagging my groceries i headed out to the car and there she was, with her two small children right as i walked out. I looked her in the eyes and she gave me a smile. My heart dropped. I couldn't wrap my brain around the desperation that this woman must feel to be so vulnerable to people's comments and judgements.

I put my groceries in the car and headed back in. This time i just acted, i didn't think. I bought ten dollars worth of food, (bread, peanut butter,, bananas) and headed out. I also took out a business card and gave it to her with my non-profit organizations hotline number on it.

She thanked me, her daughter thanked me and i rushed away.

Then i sat in my car and cried.

Once you know something, you can't "un-know" it. I know that the odds of that woman being in a home with violence and abuse if 1 out of 4, i know that those children are prime candidates fro predators... i know that whatever her circumstances i couldn't change them... but i do know that a little kindness goes a long way.

Empty spaces

There's a place in separated/divorced parents home that has emotional currency. Even though this place is empty. That space is the silhouette of the child that is not there. Although this space may smell like them or feel like them it is vacant. That vacancy can be for hours, days or weeks. Within that vacancy lays the heart break of ideals once held for a complete family. Although  the situation may be better now, it's hard to look at those empty spaces an not feel sad.

Outed at the ticket window

Today I took the two youngest to a local event in our area called "Touch a Truck". The event is put on by United Way and the premise is that kids can climb up and in in all different kinds of trucks. There are fire trucks, buses, construction trucks, tractor trailers and plenty of others. It's pretty fun for the kids and dads LOVE it too!! There's always this moment though when I feel "outed". At the ticket window I'm purchasing tickets everyone over 3 is $5 but when the cashier looks at me, Poo and Mr in the stroller there's a moment of confusion. "Yes, he is 5, yes he is huge and yes he is disabled." This of course isn't what I say - but instead pay the $5 for him. If it wasn't a benefit event for a non-profit I'd probably say something. But i don't. Instead I feel exposed and upset. I shouldn't have to pay anything for him, he's not even going to touch one truck. Actually ill be lucky if we can get out of there without a meltdown from all the loud horn blowing! So why do we go? Because his sister loves it & I want him to be as "normal" as possible. It's just not easy. 

Inspired

I met an incredible group of trans women last night. Out celebrating a milestone for a mutual friend we laughed, had drinks and told stories about our lives to get to know one another. As the other party guests left and there were just a small group of us, they opened and shared many of their struggles. I felt so grateful to be trusted and welcomed. I felt honored to share the stories of their journey which are often guarded. As i drove home and thought about the great evening, i kept thinking about how hard it is for these women to be who they want to be. Every day they have to justify being in this world.

Earlier when we had walked to the table I soon saw other patrons eying and watching our group come through. I found myself deliberately looking those people in the eye, to non-verbally call them out on their judgement. I realize however, that i have the luxury of doing that. As a perceived heterosexual woman, i have the confidence and privileged of owning that ability. I found myself in a protective role, but it wasn't mine to take.

Each day the women i met last night have to go to work, run errands and live life. Yet along the way they may be scrutinized for who they are. Each day they have to justify to everyone they encounter; the mail person, the person behind the check out counter at the pharmacy or the person who answers the phone to make dinner reservations, who they are.

It takes a lot of courage and strength to face those challenges every day. I am inspired.