I've been thinking a lot about my name lately. Not just my first name but all of it. Its no secret I've been married twice and hence I feel that I have never really felt ownership of my last name either. There hasn't been any real connection to the names I've had.
My maiden name was only mine for a short 23 years. Throughout school I hated it because it put me at the end of the alphabet. As well as having to spell it out loud and explain that there was no "F" in it anywhere.
When getting married for the first time, I only knew that a women was expected to take on her new husbands name. There was no conversation 'if" I would take it. It was just assumed. It was a nice name, had a nice ring but honestly there wasn't much else about it except being at the front of the alphabet and thinking my children would appreciate that.
There was a short time between my official divorce and my second marriage. At that point, I knew I didn't want to keep my first husband's name and it seemed silly to revert to my maiden name. So the natural course was to take on his name as well.
Shortly after however, I begun my college studies and found my way to the Gender Studies department. There I had intense conversations about all names, and what they meant and who gave them to us and for what purpose. I met women and men alike, who strongly identified with their name and who were passionate about explaining why. For me, I had no real story to tell for any of it. No real conviction either way.
And here I am, contemplating keeping my name or changing it. But what would I change it to? Its been just as long that I haven't had my maiden name as when I had it. What could I come up with as an entirely new name that wouldn't sound pretentious or in fact made up? I think about some strong connection that I have with my family names. My offspring have all been given their father's names so there isn't concern about passing something down. So whatever I pick can be just for me. Just for my happiness and connection.
I think of a good friend who has been slowly changing her name to something she feels more connected to. Its been part of her story, part of her legacy. I want something to explain to my children and mostly my daughter, that makes sense, that can become my story. Its my story of evolving into the woman that I am today because of these experiences, because of these names.
